I Don't Want To Be Santa Claus
by StarTrekFan83
Summary: What happens when Voldemort pays a little visit to Santa claus and Severus gets caught up in a mess? Please don't read this to children. This was a response to a challenge on the Hideaway.


Author's Note: This story is a challenge for the Hideaway. Please keep in mind that this is rated M because of some content and there is a character death. If you don't like it then you do not have to read and you don't even need to review. Parts are stupid, parts are funny, and parts are what in the world is this. I do hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading. :D

He couldn't stand it! So much holiday cheer! He hated muggles, but especially the ones who asked that rosy cheeked, white bearded fat man for presents for Christmas every single year. He had never gotten a thing from Santa, ever. It didn't matter that he, Voldemort, refrained from beating up all his little "foster friends" that one year. He'd even went so far as not to set little Jeremy on fire, but oh how he'd wanted to. Apparently no matter how hard he'd tried to be good that year it simply wasn't enough for the big man.

That was when he'd pretty much decided that Santa had favorites. He had to have had. He must have made the naughty list every year. But, one of the thoughts that disturbed him the most was how one ugly man could see him when he was sleeping and know when he was awake. Also, how in the world could "he" know when he was naughty or nice?

The answer came to him then, Santa must be a Seer. And of course he had to be a real one, not one of those like Madam Trewlany. If anyone believed her to be real, they were just as much of a nutcase as the fraud herself.

"Severus!"

"Here, Master. What can I do for you?" The sniveling, hooked nose man asked, coming out the shadows.

"What do you know about Santa Claus?"

"Just that muggles and wizards ask him for presents every year."

Voldemort flung himself up from his chair. "Wizards?" He questioned in a blinding rage. "You mean he delivers gifts to wizards too? But how?"

Severus Snape looked at his master. "By his sleigh and eight tiny reindeer."

Volemort looked angry, still. "How does one muggle get all over the world in a sleigh with reindeer?"

Severus cleared his throat. "Well, it hasn't exactly been decided that Santa is a muggle, Sir."

"Oh really?" Voldemort asked, standing directly in front of Severus.

Severus nodded. "It is quite feasible that he is a wizard. How else can he make his reindeer fly?"

"His eight tiny reindeer," Voldemort paused with a gleam in his eye. "Fly," he stated stretching out the word for due effect.

"Yes, Sir. That is how the muggles say he gets around to every child's house in one night," Severus stated.

Voldemort could feel the anger boiling inside of him. He didn't have a heart so it most certainly could not grow smaller. So, the statistics were against him. How could he make it where both muggles and wizards would suffer this Christmas? He had to get his evil little mind in gear.

"Where does this Santa live?"

Severus did not like where any of this was headed. "He supposedly lives in the North Pole, or at least that is what I have heard."

"Heard?" He questioned laughing on the inside. "Just how do you know so much about this Santa Claus, Severus?" There was a hiss on the end of his question.

Severus sighed in contempt. "Unfortunately, I was a child once and because of that circumstance I had stupid childish hopes."

Voldemort closed his pale long hand into a fist. "Severus, you will take me to the North Pole. I would like to meet this, Santa."

"But, Sir. I do not know where his house is," Severus protested clearly not amused.

"Severus, how would you like to end the hopes and dreams of every wizarding and muggle child there is?"

"How are we going to do that, Sir?"

Voledmort grinned. "By killing that fat man in the red suit and his eight tiny reindeer. Now, no more questions. I want you to apparate us there!"

Severus was sure his master had truly lost his mind. But, he had been given a direct order and who was he to argue?" Instead of speaking he took his master's hand in his own and apparated them both to the far reaches of earth.

It was snowing and Severus grumbled. He absolutely hated snow, found it to be the most appalling substance. He growled as a giant flake landed on his mouth. He rolled his eyes as the substance covered him.

"Point the way, Severus."

By this point Severus was a bit infuriated. He knew absolutely nothing about where Santa dwelled. How in the hell was he supposed to find where he lived?

"Sir, I only know that he lives here. I do not know which patch of snow he planted his dwelling on."

"Severus, Severus. Now, now. Don't get upset. If we rid the world of Santa Clause, who would be able to enjoy Christmas? And who would be able to enjoy anything at all?" There was a laugh after the thoughts said aloud.

Severus sighed. "But, there is still the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny."

"Relax, old man. We'll deal with one holiday annoyance at a time."

Severus hated being called "old man" because it was obvious his master was older than he was, but arguing with Voldemort meant death. Severus knew he didn't live a fantastic life, but it was his life nonetheless.

"Ah, I do believe we are here," came Voldemort's snake-like voice.

There were what seemed like rows of candy canes that went on for eternity. Severus watched in amazement as the snow they were standing on blew away and revealed a pathway of different types of candy canes leading down into the ground. He wasn't sure what to think of that. Suddenly the whole idea simply seemed ridiculous.

When they made it down they were standing in a huge underground building with lots of elves at work making kids toys. But, soon the clanking stopped and the looks and eyes swollen with fear started.

"Ah, surely you haven't come all this way just to scare my hard working elves, Tom?"

Voldemort hissed angrily. "Who are you to call me by my filthy muggle name?"

The man laughed and when he did his cheeks turned rosy, his belly jiggled, and his beard seemed to dance in tune to Jingle Bells. "Why, my dear man, I'm Santa Claus."

Voldemort hissed again and rose his wand arm out with his wand facing the jolly old man. His eyes narrowed more. "What happens if I kill you old man?"

The man who called himself Santa laughed again. "It would do you no good. Christmas would continue and all the boys and girls would get their presents anyway. This place isn't just revealed to anyone. It can only be revealed to those that seek it with intent, as you have done."

"Well, why don't we test this theory?" Voldemort stated getting a weird smile on his face.

Santa frowned, but his hearty smile returned almost instantly. "If you kill me, your companion over there will take my place."

Severus looked towards his master with a start. He had no desire to be Santa. He was horrified. He watched in fear as Voldemort shouted the killing curse. Santa vanished. Severus was wide-eyed and frozen in place. He then felt a strange weight on his head. He put his hand up to feel and felt velvet like material.

He yanked something off his head and saw that it was exactly like the hat that Santa had worn. He threw it to the ground and when it made contact he felt more pressure on his head. It was another santa hat. He threw it to the ground. He repeated this action ten more times before he realized that each time he got rid of it another hat would take its place.

He was helpless and extremely annoyed. He glared at Voldemort and never had he wished for death so badly, or at least revenge. Suddenly he felt hungry, starving was more like it. He'd never been so hungry in his entire life. He looked down in alarm and watched his stomach grow about fifteen sizes more than what it was supposed to be. His buttons were steadily popping off of his black tunic and hitting elves, knocking them out. That was perhaps his only satisfaction from the whole embarrassing experience.

Severus' face began to itch so badly he couldn't stand it. He reached up with his hands and realized that there was hair where there shouldn't be hair and it was growing! He felt his face frantically. His beard was now as long as Albus' had been and it was the same white color.

He couldn't handle the hunger pains anymore. He spotted a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a pint of milk. He dashed towards it knocking elves every which way with his belly. He started eating quickly. He had the whole plate of cookies devoured in under five minutes and then he downed the pint of milk. He let out a burp and found himself laughing. It was horrible.

"Damn-it! Master! Kill me now!" Severus practically begged.

Voldemort shook his head. "I am not becoming Santa!"

Severus growled, but it came out as a chuckle. No amount of anything would cheer him up, except maybe seeing Harry destroy Voldemort. After what he did to him, Severus wanted to see Voldemort's head on a platter. He suddenly had this horrible urge to deliver presents because, yes it was Christmas Eve night.

He growled as an elf handed him a red suit with fluffy white fur trim. He found a room to change in and growling in protest he slipped into the detested red suit. He stepped out of the bathroom and stubbed his toe on something. Instead of being able to howl in pain a jolly old laugh erupted from his belly and filtered into the room. He hung his head when he realized that he'd run into the sleigh.

He climbed into the sleigh and saw with utter frustration the bags and bags of presents attached to the sides and piled in the back. He couldn't roll his eyes as much as he wanted to and was disappointed when the reindeer took off with him in tow. He didn't even glance back. What was the point? He was sure Voledmort was laughing at him anyway. He wished that someone would Avada Kedavra him. But, somehow he doubted that would happen. He looked at the night sky and sighed, but it came out sounding like a happy sigh. He had a long night ahead of him and lots of children to displease.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a house elf;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care;

In hopes that Saint Severus would soon be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds;

While visions of broom sticks danced in their heads;

And Minerva in her 'kerchief and I in my cap;

Had just settled down for a long wizard's nap;

When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter;

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window he flew like a flash;

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash;

The moon on the brest of the new-fallen snow;

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a tall, little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Severus.

More rapid than broomsticks his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by names;

"Now, Stupid! now, Dumper! now, Puker and Voxy!

On, Comet! on Comet 2! on, Duped and Booger!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of broken toys, and St. Severus too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Severus came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I cringed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger inside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a shout,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him complain, ere he drove out of sight,

_"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."_


End file.
